Thursday, February 18, 2010

On Starting Over


This post was originally planned to be put up around New Year’s Day, but as you can see from the sidebar, it’s been well over a month since I have actually posted anything here. The good news is that this has been less for grief-related reasons than it has for hectic, everyday life type changes. When I returned to work after Christmas Break, I was informed by a colleague that she was moving, which in turn would more than double my workload. So we spent the following four weeks rearranging our schedules and preparing for these changes, which left me exhausted on the best of evenings.

And as if that wasn’t enough, I started dating someone.

Yes, just when I had accepted the fact that I would likely be single for the next ten years or so, someone sparked my interest in a way that I didn’t think was possible anymore. Now, since I write this blog largely to chronicle my life as a widowed, single father, I will refrain from gushing about how great she is. She does have some great qualities, some of which are not all that unlike qualities my late wife possessed. But the beauty is that she is not an exact replica of my wife and I’m okay with that. One of the things I have worried most about since I started thinking about dating again in general, was that I would seek out someone who was a carbon-copy of my wife. I would guess that is a fear with most dating widow/ers, and I’d bet that many of us end up falling into that trap at some point or another. But unless this initial foray into the dating world is my last, I am not immune to this possibility. I’m just glad it didn’t happen that way this time.

Now, this might be a good time to point out that I am not a casual dater. Including my wife, I’ve only had four serious relationships since I was old enough to date. I put a lot of thought into the possible ramifications of actually dating anyone I might be interested in. I am as comfortable as I can be with being single, which I think allows me the freedom to act when I do meet someone. And being choosy landed me in a good marriage the first time, so I have no reason to think it won’t again if there is to be a second time.

That being said, I was as surprised as most of my regular readers probably are now when I found myself attracted to someone else less than three years after my wife’s death. But as I posted in the fall, I wanted to work toward healing so that I would be ready when the ”right” person came along. I’m just still really floored that it happened so soon.

Now for some background. I actually met her this summer at church. She was supposed to be the assistant for the Bible school class I was teaching, but ended up being assigned to another class. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think she was physically attractive even then, but at that point even finding another woman attractive was a huge step. So that’s as far as it went then. We saw each other off and on at church, but communication was pretty limited over the next few months.

Enter Facebook.

Not one to jump on bandwagons, I reluctantly joined Facebook this summer. As it turns out, that proved to be to my advantage. Sometime in October I received a friend request from her and over time we started chatting. (I had actually tried to look her up prior to this point, but was unaware at the time that her name is not spelled in the traditional manner and could not find her). I definitely felt like there was interest on her part as well, but let the chatting continue over the course of the next several weeks to give us time to get to know each other and allow myself to get my head around what could ensue.

Even then, it was still early December before we had our first date.

And even now, we are continuing to take things slow.

Dating in and of itself can be a scary venture, but throw widow(er)hood and a grieving child into the mix and it can be downright frightening. So once we had decided to go out, I sat down with my daughter over a bowl of ice cream and tentatively told her that I had a date. I expected tears. Or screaming. Or drama of some variety. The only thing I didn’t expect was the reaction I got – a wide grin and a gleam in her eye.

My daughter had, of course, met this woman and had seemed drawn to her in a way that she does not show with many women outside of our extended family. So in her own way, without even knowing it, my daughter had given me the green light to begin this relationship. And what I loved about it is that my daughter sought her out during some of our initial encounters at church. She wasn’t overly zealous about it, but she would ask if we were going to see them that day at church and things that she never asked about anyone else.

One of the many things I worried about when I thought about dating in general is that some women attempt to get to single dads through their child/ren. I was afraid that if that happened I might not see it coming. I’ve had single women friends who suddenly took more of an interest in my daughter than I was comfortable with, so I have experienced it on some level and knew what to watch for. It didn’t happen with her.

Perhaps that is because she also has a young child from a previous relationship.

And that is one of the many reasons we are choosing to take things slow. When I mentioned the date to my daughter and she smiled, she also said she was happy. Then she proceeded to determine which room would be the other child’s (there was only one choice) and how often she would be willing to share her toys with her. So I put my hand up and explained the process to her. I told her that we were starting with one date, then maybe another and so on and so forth, and that eventually if things went well, we would possibly start doing things with the kids at times too. It seemed only logical that if I had worked out the process in my own mind, it might bring her comfort to know what could be expected.

And for the most part, that has worked out well. The morning after the first date, my daughter smiled and asked me how it went. So I told her there would be a second date and she seemed fine with it. But when the time for the second date actually rolled around she was not quite as “okay” with it as she had initially been. She acted a bit more like I had initially expected her to, and it actually made me feel better to see that she was having a “normal” reaction. There were a few moments like that during the first month or so, but she seems genuinely glad to include them now. I make sure my daughter and I still have plenty of time to ourselves, including our Friday night dinners out, and she asks to include them sometimes when we do things. It has become a pretty workable balance so far.

But dating as a widow/er does not come without its pratfalls. Not only is this my first new relationship in ten years, but it started in winter (note to new readers: I loathe winter) and the three-month mark falls smack dab in the middle of the darkest part of the year for me. And it’s still early enough that I view everything through my widow/er glasses. Every phone call. Every text. Every Facebook status update. Every face-to-face interaction. And let’s face it, it’s hard to be romantic sometimes when grief has you by the scruff of the neck.

But she’s stuck by me thus far. And I can’t help but think that if she’s attracted to me at my worst, then things can only get better from here.

17 comments:

  1. I'm happy for you. I like the way you explained this to your daughter, and that you recognize that her feelings will fluctuate at times. It must give her comfort, as well as teach her about how relationships develop. When Michael and I first started dating several years ago, my kids were so happy for me, and they just loved Michael. Then when he moved in with us a lot of their anxieties about my affections and attention began to surface. It's all part of healthy attachment development.

    Good luck with your new relationship. It's a blessing to find such compatibility, and attraction.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want the world to know a great man that is well known as DR Miracle,he has the perfect solution to relationship issues and marriage problems. The main reason why i went to DR Miracle. was for solution on how i can get my husband back because in recent times i have read some testimonies on the internet which some people has written about DR Miracle, and i was so pleased and i decided to seek for assistance from him on his Email ,,,,,,,(MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM),,, which he did a perfect job by casting a spell on my husband which made him to come back to me and beg for forgiveness.I will no stop publishing his name on the net because of the good work he is doing. I will drop his contact for the usefulness of those that needs his help.His Email is ,,,(MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM),,, or his web, http://miraclespellhome.wix.com/dr-miracles,,,, You can contact him today and get your problem solved,,,,,,

      Delete
  2. Good luck on this. You're going about it the right way. I've ruined a few potentially good relationships by projecting Mike-like expectations on them... I learned from my mistakes, but it would have been better to avoid this without hurting other people. I think my problem was I started dating WAY TOO SOON after my husband due to a lot of social pressure from my friends to do so... I would always advise someone fresh out of a marriage, whether from divorce or widowhood, to wait at least a year before dating. That first year is a mess... you need to work a lot of things out... I think at three years, you're probably in a good spot. Only you know. I'm glad you've put so much thought into it... I didn't.

    I too am not really a casual dater. I seek committed relationships. When I go out with someone, I'm looking for the potential of something long term. I'm choosy and I feel I have a right to be. I want to find someone with whom I can share my life... So I tend to have long term relationships with a big gap in between (if they don't work out). It's hard to find good quality single men my age...

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  3. if you are happy, then i am happy. as i've always said, you are a wonderful father. you are one that any daughter would instantly label herself a "daddy's girl." your instincts about your daughter and this new relationship are heartwarming. just go at your own pace. address your daughter's concerns as they come up. she will always feel your love and protection.

    i wish you a wonderful adventure with this new woman in your life, and her child. i am glad to see you doing well.

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  4. Congratulations on taking this big step! It sounds like you are going into it thoughtfully, for your daughter, your new friend, and yourself. I too am newly in my first relationship since my husband died almost 2 years ago, I have a 3-year-old, and it sure feels different dating now! Enjoy, and may you get through the winter smoothly.

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  5. To all of you - Thanks so much for your words of support. I was a bit apprehensive about posting this, but wanted to remain true to sharing my journey.

    Dan - We are all still finding a balance. My daughter seems to be enjoying the interactions they have together, but is still unsure at times about my being with someone else. I am doing everything I can to reinforce to her that her feelings are normal and that she can talk to me about them any time.

    Mars Girl- I think you are right in that waiting at least a year is a good idea. I was shocked how many people asked if I was dating within the first year. Allowing myself to work through the worst parts of my grief allowed me to be ready to date when someone sparked my interest.

    WNS - Your support and encouragement have always meant a lot to me. I have worked very hard to let my daughter know that no one is being replaced, but that it's okay for us to make a place for new people in our lives. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open with her.

    Jen - Thanks for your comment and welcome! It's always bittersweet to "meet" new widow/ers here. I'm glad to hear things are going well for you though. You are welcome here any time.

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  6. Your blog came after the one that I just started. New at this; in fact, you're the first person's whose blog I've commented on. In any case, I was touched by your sincerity. Good luck in your new relationship. It sounds like you are a truly thoughtful person. I think dating is more complicated when children are involved and it sounds like you've been thoughtful and considerate about that as well.

    I think taking things slowly and joyfully is a good idea to give you both space to adjust and grow. The best to you, Barbara

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  7. From Roberto(34):
    I just lost my wife a month ago on a tragic car accident where my 3 years-old daughter survived without any injury.
    I find your experiences very helpful and will keep reading your blogs.
    God Bless You.
    Roberto

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  8. Dating, I found, was really not all that different from before except I was older and there was the whole "child thing" to take into account. The actual "dating" part doesn't change.

    My second husband is not like my late husband at all - except when sometimes he is. I don't worry about the overlap. We gravitate towards qualities and characteristics and as long as we aren't superimposing or have unrealistic expectations - it all works out in the end.

    Be happy.

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  9. My apologies for not replying sooner.

    Barbara- Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Much luck to you as you embark on your blogging journey.

    Roberto - So very sorry you have to understand so much of what I write about here. I hope that this site can be of help to you as you work through your grief and continue to raise your daughter.

    Annie - Great advice and very true. As you can see from my current post, things didn't work out. But you were right - the dating part wasn't any different than before.

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  10. my name is jennifer i never believe in spell casting, until when i was was tempted to try it. i and my husband have been having a lot of problem living together, he will always not make me happy because he have fallen in love with another lady outside our relationship, i tried my best to make sure that my husband leave this woman but the more i talk to him the more he makes me fell sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because he no longer gives me attention. so with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my husband again. this spell caster who was a woman told me that my husband is really under a great spell that he have been charm by some magic, so she told me that she was going to make all things normal back. she did the spell on my husband and after 5 days my husband changed completely he even apologize with the way he treated me that he was not him self, i really thank this woman her name is Dr Aluta she have bring back my husband back to me i want you all to contact her who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem she will solve it for you. her email is traditionalspellhospital@gmail.com, she is a woman and she is great

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  11. I am Frank Silver by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my wife after three(3) years of marriage, my wife left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called High Priest Ekpiku which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 7 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped High Priest Ekpiku ‘s e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. High Priest Ekpiku is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man… If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High Priest Ekpiku anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact:{Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com.

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  12. My Name is AZIBA OLUBOISE. I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this man called johnyiyi@rocketmail.com Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizingI NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS UNTIL I MET THIS WORLD'S TOP SPELL CASTER. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE'S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I'M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE WOMAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS... I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO USA, MY GIRLFRIEND(NOW WIFE) CALLED ME BY HERSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND SHE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY GIRLFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO... WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY WIFE ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS;johnyiyi@rocketmail.com ......HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT OUR OPPORTUNITY ... CONTACT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER VIA EMAIL:johnyiyi@rocketmail.com...

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  13. MY NAME IS JANICES WALLOCKS FROM HOUSTON,TEXAS.I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS OR MAGIC UNTIL I MET THIS SPELL CASTER ONCE WHEN I WENT TO AFRICA IN DECEMBER LAST YEAR ON A BUSINESS SUMMIT. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE'S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER LOOKING FOR SOME ONE TO LOVE YOU, BRING BACK LOST MONEY AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I'M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS... I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO TEXAS, MY BOYFRIEND (NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND HE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY BOYFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO... WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY HUSBAND ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS:johnyiyi@rocketmail.com ......HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT. HURRY NOW AND CONTACT HIM NOW VIA EMAIL ADDRESS:johnyiyi@rocketmail.com.

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  14. Hello To The World At Large,
    I am Miss Wacks.,From united states of America.I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS SHAKES SPEAR ORACLE TEMPLE.My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now..I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is : johnyiyi@rocketmail.com ,This is what i want to tell you all out there,That is thinking that all hope is lost ok.CONTACT JOHN YI YI TODAY:: johnyiyi@rocketmail.com .Thanks

    Regards,

    Miss Wacks.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks to John Yi Yi as he is a great spell caster who brought back my lover.....

    I want to tell everyone about my meeting with Prophet John Yi Yi who was able to bring back my ex lover within the period of 2days... At these moment i don't have anything to say than to appreciate the good works of Prophet John Yi Yi who you can simply reach at: johnyiyi@rocketmail.com

    1. He has got charms/spell to take away bad luck & give good luck in life

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    5. He bring back lost lover/family

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    7. He has herbs for losing weight

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    9. He has a spell charm to bring back stolen goods.

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    12. He can make your admired partner to be yours.

    13. He has herbs to make long live with HIV

    14. He has something to make you have lot of children.

    15. He has a spell/charms that can make you have a good job.

    16. He can stop someone to interfere in your love relationship/family

    17. He has mixtures of herbs for sexual weakness.

    18. He has herbs to enlarge your sexual system to satisfy your partner.

    19. He cure madness/stress/addictions/long illnesses.

    20. He treat sexual transmitted infections quickly.

    21. He has lucky spells/charm to increase your wealthy.

    22. He has charms for gambling/lotto/ casinos.

    23. He has powerful herbs for curing early ejaculations.

    24. he has charms to protect away from car robbers/hijacker/properties attack& Etc


    contact me of any of these today at: johnyiyi@rocketmail.com..... WE GOT SOLUTION TO ALL PROBLEMS HERE ...

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  16. I want the world to know a great man that is well known as DR Miracle,he has the perfect solution to relationship issues and marriage problems. The main reason why i went to DR Miracle. was for solution on how i can get my husband back because in recent times i have read some testimonies on the internet which some people has written about DR Miracle, and i was so pleased and i decided to seek for assistance from him on his Email ,,,,,,,(MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM),,, which he did a perfect job by casting a spell on my husband which made him to come back to me and beg for forgiveness.I will no stop publishing his name on the net because of the good work he is doing. I will drop his contact for the usefulness of those that needs his help.His Email is ,,,(MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM),,, or his web, http://miraclespellhome.wix.com/dr-miracles,,,, You can contact him today and get your problem solved,,,,,,

    ReplyDelete